Why Women Get Depressed?
Sometimes in life, you feel sad without any reason and you can’t help it. You would not know how to deal with it and this feeling gets accumulated over a period of time. This is what we call ‘Depression’. While it is mostly induced by some life events or circumstances, there is not always a reason for depression making it difficult to identify and also be overlooked.
Depression is not as casual as we have made it sound like and it definitely isn’t a ‘once in a blue moon’ affair. It lasts long, long enough to cripple you for life, emotionally, at least. This is why it should be sincerely dealt with. A mere shopping spree will not heal the sadness, the filth and the negativity that you carry within yourself.
So what leads to depression irrespective of the gender? Depression is a psychological disease and so, its diagnosis is also not dependent on any clinical tests. Hence, it becomes difficult to conclude. It is not something that would affect a man of low means. It is a disease of the rich and famous! The common man is too busy making both the ends meet. There is no time to sit and brood over the past or future. So he can encounter stress, but even that, he cannot afford to retain for long.
The more civilised, educated and urban we have become, the more prone we are to depression. So while the deadliest of all diseases ‘Cancer’ has permeated into the rural areas, depression is still restricted to the urban cities.
Now, particularly speaking about women, the repercussions can be far more dangerous and life-long than in the case of men. A woman is considered to be the lifeline of a household, but if her own life is at stake, what would she contribute to the lives of others around? Not only for the sake of others, her emotional well-being is equally important.
For ages, women have always suppressed their feelings and emotions. But they never were depressed since they were always busy with their daily tasks and they were socially active too. So they could vent out. The modern independent woman is more prone to depression. The amalgamation of stress that comes from work and personal life is too much to handle. With the nucleation of families, they have too much idle time but lesser population to socialise with.
Having said that, it cannot be denied that in many cases, medical complications lead to depression. But this cannot be the only reason. There could be unfulfilled desires or some hurtful incidents in the past that could be the underlying cause. Whatever be the reason, a disease, as serious as this, should never be left untreated. Do not be ashamed to seek help. There is no greater tragedy in life if you have wasted this beautiful opportunity to live life.
– Mandakini Kwatra
The Goalless Path
The path with no goals, goals with no ends, ends with no beginning, it is all about how you walk the path. If you walk it without attachment, without judgement, without greed but with fortitude and a certain firmness, you will skate through life. A goalless life is what one needs. When you add goals, you add barriers, you add timetables and then you start dreaming of deadlines. A sense of false urgency prevails which leads to tension, stress and a need for fulfilment. This fulfilment is hollow.
So keep the path of your life goalless and aimless. Don’t hold it with taut strings. Just play it like a sweet harp and hear the bells and sounds of the birds. Whistle to yourself as you walk on your merry way without the need to prove anything to anyone. Just sing your own song and dance with the winds that blow past you. The path always appears when you walk on it and your very walking creates the path. It’s like an artist painting on his own canvas. The art appears when the artist paints it. Every stroke is like a brush of emotions without hurry and with the least amount of thrust.
So be a wanderer, a traveller, a conqueror and an adventurer. Walk the goalless path stride after stride with gusto and joy at your very feet. It is great when you are aimless and mindless and in full sway. One can almost swagger through life and float through it with no bother.
So be goalless and fact free. When you are free, you will roar. When you are free, you will sing. When you are free, you will be joyful and playful. Play is of utmost importance to life as it brings with it leela and maya. Maya is the illusion and the path that illuminates with imagination, creativity and dance.
Dance creates energy which vibrates through you and with it vibrates all. So energise yourself with a dance and a song. Be bright, be passionate, be thorough, be intelligent and be thoughtful. Those are the prime qualities you need to develop if you wish to walk on the goalless path.
Don’t wait for a full stop or an end. It is endless and with no shores on either side. The infinite is the walk on the goalless path. So be thankful, be grateful and be joyful. This, with the nectar of a laugh, will make things follow suit and the path will flow from right under your feet. The goalless path is what you should seek.
Why Suffering Builds Character
Suffering is important in life as it actually builds character if one wants to grow in life and become stronger. Suffering is a great teacher and also a leveller. Unless you have known pain, deceit and sorrow, you will not appreciate the blessings of joy, fun, happiness, success and loyalty. Both are opposites of the other. Joy and suffering are twins to each other. A man who has known suffering must also know happiness. Pain and pressure follow together and both can taste sweet. Pain cleanses the soul and wipes the slate clean.
Suffering is like lifting dumbbells and taking weights. Well, as the pain is absorbed, it heals naturally and the process makes one emotionally stronger, wiser and more clear headed. Pain is needed to put one’s life in perspective. It’s like pause and silence where one can coil into one’s shell and reassess situations making one go into silent contemplation. It’s needed to grow. Suffering is like manure as it makes the seed of your consciousness grow and expand. The mind numbs and stillness appears before you. You begin to take in pain as the ego evaporates and the self appears before your eyes. You become lighter, especially, when you have a good cry. A good cry just releases the pain like a tap of tears on the cheeks. Yes, suffering indeed builds character and one begins to see things in perspective. But if you keep the attitude, this too shall pass. Suffering can be transcended and one can become wiser through it.
So take suffering in a more positive way. It’s like a spring that makes you coil inwards and then, like a spring, propels you forward in your journey of joy. It is important for you to understand this and things will begin to flower within you. Suffering can be transcendental, almost uplifting in a way from darkness to light, from fear to bravery, from the depths to the highest. The sea of suffering and tears can only be crossed with the boat and oars of hope and self-belief. So unburden yourself to suffering and know in your heart that it is through suffering that you will meet your true maker as the ego dissolves and only the witness remains in its pure oneness and stark nakedness.
Let suffering be a stepping stone into something new like a rapid following through the river. Suffering just speeds up things in your life. It shakes you up, tosses you around and sends you spinning like the whirlwinds. But, rest assured because when you fall, you will fall back to a safe shore. You always do and you always will.
So go deep into your suffering and observe it. Just watch it. Don’t analyse it too much as it has no meaning. So, just watch it and you will slowly see that it will disappear and the healing of suffering will be transformed into joy and abundance, just like the sunshine falling on the dew drops on the grass. Suffering can indeed be good for the soul.
The Truth About Suicide
There was a recent suicide case about Arjun Bhardwaj who jumped from a five-star hotel window to his death and even recorded it on Facebook step by step. What must have been going through his mind, I ask, to take such a drastic decision. I know as I have been there myself. Depression is an ugly thing and happens to us all. The most successful as well as the most unsuccessful people go through it. I have seen even the mature and the immature go through it.
This is due to the fake culture where every kid is expected to win in life and achieve success. This unnecessary pressure put on the youth of today by the fake society and their values has led to these unnecessary suicides by our young ones. Success and failure are both irrelevant words and are of no consequence in the larger scheme of things in life. Parents should know not to put undue pressure on their kids in a worthless and useless race for an irrelevant and worthless success culture that is prevalent in our society. Parents be warned, if you push your children too hard, you will one day be carrying their dead bodies to the funeral pyre.
Let your kids enjoy and partake in activities that they enjoy without putting undue pressure on them. It is ok to fail. We all have failed. There is no reason to look down upon on anyone because he has failed to achieve anything. Life is about living, being happy and joyful, and spreading that good cheer with everyone. I repeat, both success and failure are of no consequence in the larger scheme of things. What is of the utmost importance is the well-being of your loved ones and their mental health. Counselling is totally useless in these matters when someone is going through hell in life and battling his or her own demons.
Instead, guides and counsellors should use the case study method to solve the current issues that are going through in the heart of the patient. The patient, who is suffering from depression and suicide related tendencies, needs to write down his issues and problems in the form of a case study and present it to the counsellor. Then the counsellor needs to give him solutions to his problems and guide him through it like a guru. Practical advice is important rather than nonsensical spiritual advice which will only confuse the patient. LOVE and UNDERSTANDING are the key to it all.
Why Do We Question Our Belief System and Values When Something Bad Happens?
Our beliefs, values, morals, way of life, our internal system of judging people and situations and our very own internal software is geared towards bringing us happiness and joy. At the end of the day, all of us are looking for joy and happiness but we question everything when something bad happens. We question the path we have taken so far, we question our decisions, we question the company we kept and we question the very moral fabric that has kept us in one piece throughout our lives.
In our mind, our belief system is meant to lead us to good but suddenly when we are struck by a tragedy, it leads us to darkness, sadness and something bad. This shakes our belief system. When tragedy had befallen me with the death of my father and the very way of his brutal death, I questioned my values, beliefs and my own nature with which I was born. I started to look for a job that my father wanted me to do. I searched through matrimonial sites to look for a mate and to get married and start a family of my own as I was left alone in this world. I even found someone and dated her for a while but realised that I just couldn’t walk the path that my father had wanted me to walk. The more I thought about settling down, having a home, a steady job and a family with this woman, the more depressed and negative I became. I realised that I was only doing this out of guilt of my father’s death. It was not out of my own motivation or out of my belief system but out of guilt and out of some twisted pressure that was put on me by society at large. There was no point and I finally gave up the ideas altogether. A man like me was born free and will die free. That was my only conclusion.
So stop questioning your values and belief system when something bad happens to you. These beliefs have kept you in good stead so far and will keep you going. Your heart knows the way. If a tragedy has befallen you, it could be for many other reasons. Why suffer endlessly for it and question your entire life just because this incident has happened in your life? Make that incident a way of strengthening your beliefs even further and move towards the good path. They have kept you in good stead so far and will keep you in good stead in the future. Stop questioning yourself and criticising your way of life when something bad happens. Move on with your values and march ahead.
Acceptance of Oneself and Others is the Key to Survival
In our day to day life, we walk with the burden of prejudices and complexes that we carry on our shoulders. We have a certain self-image of ourselves which further alienates us from others as we seek to carve our own distinctive identities. We have our habits, traits and behavioural patterns that we need to accept as unique qualities that only we have. We must accept these and be in harmony as these are the traits and beliefs that define and guide us in our future course of life. No doubt, these will be distinctively different than others, we must respect the view of the other while at the same time maintaining our distinct identity. The annihilation of this tussle is the key to peace harmony and survival. In a sense, ‘I AM OK, YOU ARE OK’. Once we act and take life in this spirit, things become easier and calmer. We understand ourselves and learn to understand the point of view of others. This is the way of the heart and the way of peace. So, understanding is the key and patience is its virtue. As you age, these qualities will evolve within you and these can be very effective in dealing with people and day-to-day affairs of the world.
You must listen to the clutter of the mind and let go of your inner dialogues that often hold you back in life. All the fears and wounds you will find are self-inflicted. Maintain your identity and respect the boundaries others have set for you as well as themselves. That is what one calls mariyada. Acceptance is adherence to that mariyada.
You may be gay, leper, prostitute, fanatic, poet or a drunk. You are what you are and first, you need to make peace with yourself before you can make peace with others. So again, it is an inner journey that we are undertaking. Its manifestation comes later in the outer world. So indeed, stand apart and stand alone but see yourself in the world and a part of the whole.
The key to survival is walking on your own dharma at the same time walking along with others.
To Be, or Not To Be, That Is The Question
This famous phrase thrown by Shakespeare himself has baffled many. To me, this phrase describes the classical struggle between the ego and the ‘I’ (the witness). When the ego is there, the witness is not and when the witness immerses, the ego dissolves. Life is a constant tussle between the witness and the ego. The ego mainly consists of matter, the senses and the physical body while the witness is the drishta or the seer, pure consciousness. When we connect to this, we connect to the infinite subconscious mind and when we connect with ego, we are limited to the physical body. You can only appease the ego though worldly things like money, power, prestige, lust, food, sex, pleasure and intoxication. The ego is driven by desire and the witness is driven by renunciation or by tyaag. It is grown by renouncing worldly things. Ego wants to acquire, dominate and lead whereas the ‘I’ or the witness only grows through sacrifice, love, compassion and seva.
This tussle of man is between the ego and the ‘I’. It is said that to move from a truly limited self to the limitless is the true spiritual journey that a soul must undertake to reach moksha or nirvan.
If you grow your spiritual self, you drop the ego, you drop the struggle and let things be and seem as they really are.
To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether I am, or I am not. When I am, there is attachment, pain, struggle, winning and losing. When I am not, there is an infinite let go, no attachment, no pain. It is as if all is mine yet nothing belongs to me. Here there is no pain, no desire, no winning nor losing, no need to be owned. You are just staring at the infinite wilderness as the ego dissolves into the abundant ‘I’, the ‘I’ of non-attachment, the ‘I’ of the silent seer.
Chanting, meditation, reki and dyaan are just methods and techniques where we can dissolve the limited sense of the body and melt into the inner world of the ‘I’. The world is made up of only thoughts and feeling. Once we learn to control and, at times, manipulate the inner world, then we can also create an infinitely joyful outer world. But this comes with practice and one has to be dedicated to it on a daily basis. It is an effort one has to do. If you visit the Buddhist monasteries around the world, you will see monks deep into chanting and reading out scriptures. On these scriptures are ingrained the mantras that they recite so diligently. The idea is to break from the ‘here and now’, the idea is to break the cycle of birth and death, and cut out desire in order to reach moksha and let the spirit or the ‘I’ merge with the supreme consciousness, a place the Buddhists call the samsara.
We all, no matter which profession or walk of life, should try and reach this samsara through active meditation in order to take an inner journey into ourselves.
Your Inner World Reflects Your Outer World
The man is living in a world of his own manifestations. This world is divided into the inner and the outer. The inner world is the world of thoughts and feelings. The outer world is made up of deeds and actions. To manifest the outer world, we must first try to manifest the inner world. So, watch your thoughts carefully because they can lead both to your misery and to your happiness. Watch them all the time and have an ear to your inner dialogue. The inner dialogue is made up of the conversations you have with yourself like your mumblings. The inner world fights with your alter ego. Hold on to those duels and try to manifest a more purposeful inner dimension with no tussle with oneself. Try to find a place of harmony, peace and calm waters. Then train your thoughts to constantly think about that purpose.
Nurture your goals and your dreams as if they were your own newborn babies. Feed them each day by performing a purposeful action to make them manifest into your outer world and see the magic of the universe unfold. Dream big with lots of colours and then action will soon follow. What you desire will manifest into the material world sooner than you think. So first get your inner world in place and throw out all the cobwebs. Get rid of the negative energy that holds you back and forge new alliances. This is the only way. To stop the struggle outside, you must be at peace in the inside.
The Yin and Yang, the Tao and Chi, we all live by being tugged by opposite forces. This is also reflected in the universe as light fights dark, good fights evil, love fights hate, tears fight laughter and so on. Duality is the nature of our being and if we can hold a balance on the middle path, even as we are pulled by these dual forces, you will see balance and harmony restored.
So next time you are in disarray, learn to watch your thoughts and be in one with your feelings.
The Spirit of Survival
I have created this special button SURVIVAL to salute the spirit of survivors like myself and many others who have come out of a traumatic incident in their life and carried on forward in their lives with renewed enthusiasm and gusto. I have shaken past the brutal murder of my father and then the fiasco after the incident. I have buried it behind after I sold my house in Mumbai and started travelling. I have now created a successful blog and am in the process of starting my own speciality tours while teaching others life skills. Make no mistake, survival is the state of mind and spirit. It is also a skill which needs to be nurtured and honed over a period of time. It needs to be watered and looked after.
Each one of us has a natural instinct for survival and we use it to overcome the downs of life to life ourselves up, dust ourselves and move forward. It is the inner belief in our abilities that drive us out of life’s quagmires and bring our boat back to the shore. The strong inner will responds to situations in different ways, through acts of patience, resilience, faith, moderation through finding a middle path, for not stopping and continuously seeking.
In this section, we will discuss the best ways to overcome trauma and setbacks in life and how to make them the cornerstones of our next big wins in life. We will also learn how to build inner belief and self-confidence in ourselves and not to enter blame games with ourselves and our situations. This is a place where you can find solutions and advice on how to survive this game on life and how to be on top of situations and circumstances, and how not to be bowed down. The advice will be practical day-to-day advice and may also consist of philosophical preaching.
We will talk about trusting again and how to identify the right people who will help and guide with us on this new journey of ours where we solemnly swear to take back all that we had once lost. We will ideate on different types of situations and how people survived. I will, of course, elaborate my very personal survivor stories and I am sure there will be many others who could learn from it. So watch out for all the survivor gyaan and tips that will surely come through the SURVIVAL button. So go ahead and click on blue!
Buddhism – The Path of The Awakened One
The religion of Buddhism dates back to the origin of Siddhartha Gautam in 5th century BC in north India from where it spread to the East and to many other corners of the world. Buddha was born a prince. His father did not let him go out of the palace compound as he did not want his beloved son to get distraught by seeing all the misery of the world and so, he protected him. Still, Buddha yearned to go outside the palace to seek the world and finally one day, he eloped into the city with his charioteers. He was saddened and dismayed as he first saw an ill man. Then he saw a leaper and then a hungry man. Finally, he saw a dead man who was being taken to be cremated by his relative. He felt sad and an inner voice within him stirred to find out the meaning of life and most of all, how to eradicate misery from human life. Through great penance and meditation that he did in the forest, he left his princely robes, status and family. One day while sitting under the Bodhi Tree and meditating, he became enlightened. His face showed light and energy as if he had a halo on his head.
I have visited this place in Gaya when I went to do the prayers for my Nana’s departed soul. I have even walked around the famous tree in Bodh Gaya. Buddhism has lots of texts and teachings on meditation, chanting, monastic life and how to detach yourself from misery and the cycle of birth and death. This state is samsara and it is where you go when you get moksha, never to return in a human body again. Buddha’s teaching comprises of The Four Noble Truths and The Eight Fold Path.
The Four Noble Truths
First Truth: This is the identification of suffering. The Buddhists believe suffering comes from desire that arises when we seek pleasure through vice. Suffering also comes from ignorance which leads us to rage, jealousy, hatred and many other negative emotions.
Second Truth: This determines the cause of suffering by getting to the root of it all. Unfulfilled desires lead to suffering, so does ignorance.
Third Truth: This tries to end suffering
Fourth Truth: These are the methods and modes used to end suffering.
The Eight Fold Path
The Eight Fold Path consists of the Right View, Right Intentions, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Concentration, Right Mindfulness.
Chanting is an integral part of Buddhism and I had the good fortune of seeing this great religion in full bloom at South Korea, Nepal, Sri Lanka and also right here in Dharamsala at India. Each place has adopted this great religion and added their own local flavours to it. Their own mythologies and yarns have been spun with mythical characters, the battle between good and evil, and even various dragons as I witnessed in Hong Kong.
What Is Inner Engineering?
Inner engineering is the inner cleansing of the body, mind and soul that extends itself to transcendental meditation. Meditation is the art of applying dyaan to transcend the limitations of the mind and body to experience our true abundant dimension. This act of concentration through dyaan is what the yogis call meditation. Where there is neither body nor mind, only the silent witness exists which is pure shunyata, pure bliss.
The current spiritual marketplace is full of inner engineering products. One such spiritual factory is run by Isha Yoga Foundation in Coimbatore that is heavily promoting inner engineering courses at its ashram as part of the 26th February Maha Shivratri function. I will be headed their soon to experience this exercise for myself. Basically, inner engineering is getting your inner world of thoughts and feelings in order and your emotional body healthy. New techniques help in this regard and bring relief.
How To Overcome Trauma, Part 4
These mechanisms have worked for me and I can claim fairly and honestly that I have been there and done that when it comes to a traumatic existence and overcoming it! Here are more pointers on the way.
1. Identify Pain
Pain comes from attachment. The cause of pain is always attachment. Only if you are in love, you can get cheated by your girl and will hurt. If you lose money which should have been rightfully in your pocket, it hurts. When you put effort into building a business but you end up losing, it hurts. You lose a dear one like a friend, a parent or a sibling to an accident or tragedy, it hurts. When your dog dies, it pains. When you lose something that you think belongs to you, it hurts and pains.
The only way to overcome pain is to imagine that nothing in this world belongs to you. All belongs to existence. Nothing is yours, everything is transient. Neither your woman nor your wealth. The more you hold on to things, the more it will hurt. So be in and let go. It sounds easier said than done but that is a fact. Remember, life is a zero-sum game. At the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back into the same box. These might sound like words from Bhagavad Gita but they hold true. The only way to overcome pain is to identify it first, get to the source and then let go.
Forgiveness is to be practised and to be made a part of your day-to-day life. Forgiveness releases you of pain. If you feel someone has wronged you, you need to forgive. The person who has wronged you might move on in life but if you keep holding on to your pain, you will never be able to move on or transcend your pain. So forgiveness helps you to transcend your pain.
3. Practice Charity
You can transcend your pain by helping those who are suffering pain and are even less fortunate than you. This relieves you of your own pain. In my travels around the world, I have practised this mantra like giving bags of rice to kids in Vietnam or adopting Ndotto, the orphaned Elephant. I enjoyed giving and forgot all about my pain.
4. Take Refuge Only With Your True Blood
My case was very different. I lost my father who was my true blood and biological connection. The only other biological connection left to me was my ailing grandfather and a 90-year-old grandmother, and I took refuge with them. They nursed me back to health slowly and I realised that only they were my true well-wishers as they did not expect any other thing in return from me. Chacha, mama, cousins and others are bogus relationships. They all want something in return. Only trust and confide in people who want nothing from you except to see you back on your feet.
5. Think Laterally
Only a new way of thinking and a new idea can get you out of your current depth. My Travelthon was that new Idea. So think in tangents and then pursue it with your might.
6. Remember It Is You Against You
The race is yours, the journey is yours and everyone else is just in your way. Don’t play their game, get them out of your way. Remember, you got in this mess because you listen to stupid people and depended on unreliable sources. Get them all out of your way.
The law of focus is very important. You lost because you lost focus. You looked behind instead of looking ahead. Focus on the road ahead and the road will reveal itself to you as you walk the path. The faster and deeper your focus, the more the road will reveal itself.
8. The Diamond Path
As the road reveals itself, you will be able to pick up diamonds and meet new people who will take you further on your way. I met YourStory on my way and they helped me immensely to go forward.
9. Stop Whining
Nobody likes whiners “Hai mere saath yeh kya ho gaya?” and “Hai meiney yeh kya kar diya?”. Get these kinds of sentences out of your dictionary. Nobody will give you sympathy, they will only give you a peace of their mind.
10. Don’t Borrow Money to Start Again
If you have lost a business or taken a heavy hit, rebuild on your own financial strength no matter how little it is. It is your own. If you borrow to rebuild, you might end up in a bigger mess than you were before.
11. Work Smart
Even a labourer works hard but gets nothing at the end of the day. Work smart. Use technology, software and IT to get better results. I carry my laptop, an Apple Mac, and an iPhone 6s Plus along with my Canon DSLR camera with me all the time. I am connected with an entire gamut of social media applications all the time so that I can communicate with my team and my followers all the time and work from anywhere in the world. I am covering more than 10 countries in Africa in one go without a breather and only technology is helping me achieve that. Invest in the latest technology and gadgets, and they will help you in a long way to go forward.
How To Overcome Trauma, Part 3
Laughter is the greatest medicine after you have gone through a trauma like I did. The best way to get out of it is laughter. People will first frown at you. They will ask how you can laugh after such a huge tragedy in your life. The society will expect you to keep a sombre face and look sad all the time. But I laughed my way out of my sadness and trauma. I did that every day sitting outside my garden and laughed my way out of my grief. It helped me a great deal.
2. Stay Away From Negative People
Stay away from doubting Thomas’s and people who tell you that you are finished. It is never over till it’s over as long as you are alive. All options are open to you. You can win back all that you have lost. So, negative people is a definite no-no. All those who say “I told you so” and all those who say you were headed for it are to be avoided strictly.
3. Believe In Yourself
Self-belief is the cornerstone to getting out of stress and only you can get yourself out of it. Only you and others can only just comfort you or demotivate you depending on friend or foe. Get rid of emotional crutches and take charge. Believe that the trauma you are going through is so that you can grow further in your own journey. It is important that you take the pain as part of your own personal growth and believe that it will lead you to your oasis.
4. Get In Touch With Your Own Emotions
Try to feel more and talk less.
5. Be Patient
The storm will pass. Life is neither all good times nor all bad times. Both are transient and are just like hovering clouds in the sky that will clear away. So keep the faith.
6. Don’t Seek Unwanted Sympathy
Stay away from relatives who give you unwanted sympathy. All they want is your money in return for saying “Hai hai merry bacchey ke saath yeh kya ho gaya”. In return for shedding crocodile tears, they want your money. I had many relatives like these who came to me to show sympathy in the garb of asking for my money. I, with the help of my grandmother, was able to shoo them away.
7. Adversity Is Your Greatest Teacher
You will learn only from adversity. Only bad times can teach you and show you who your real friends are. I found true friends during this time and the rest just wanted some material gain from me. Only those who unselfishly come to your aid are your true friends and your true well-wishers. Separate the chaff from the rice.
8. Go with the Flow
The flow will guide you to your destiny. Go inwards to find your answers. I found mine through my Travelthon and now, I am in a very happy state of mind.
How To Overcome Trauma, Part 2
1. Write Down Your Thoughts and Feelings Everyday
I realised that writing my blog was the best therapy I could have asked for and it was totally free. No need to go to shrinks and pay them large amounts of fee. No need to go to astrologers and pay them to tell you the future. The future is something that no one in their right minds can predict. No need to go to religious men or men of faith and pay them money to listen to you. It is just plain and simple. You just need to write what you feel at the point. This is what I do with my blog. I write what I feel. The more I wrote, the more therapeutic it became. These writings will, in the future, comfort others and help them to overcome their trauma.
2. Take Comfort from the Writings of Other People
I took comfort and overcame my trauma by reading other people’s words. The one quote that I still remember that moved me the most and helped me the most to overcome my personal tragedy was the quote of the great Vivekananda. Someone asked him “What is worse than losing everything that one has?”
Vivekananda replied “Losing the hope that all has been lost can be won back one day.”
So hope is as big as faith. I did not lose hope at all and kept faith in my abilities. I realised that no matter how bad things were, my natural talents, my natural intelligence and my natural tenacity are still intact and I will never lose those. These gifts of nature, given to me by birth by my maker, will be the cornerstones of my comeback and by using them, I will be able to push myself from the negativity that I found myself in.
3. Look After Your Health
Eat the right food, lots of greens and salads. Do away with non-veg stuff as it creates unnecessary toxins in the body. Give up alcohol for a while and concentrate on eating vegetarian food.
4. Take Up a Sport
Take up running, swimming or some other sports to make you feel light and make you feel at ease. I immersed myself into adventure sports. I did river rafting and bungee jumping in Rishikesh. I took up scuba diving which I attempted for the first time in Maldives and did it again in Mauritius. Now I am a PADI certified diver.
I did water scooters on the beaches of Boracay and sea carting in Mauritius. All these sports helped me push myself and gave me a lot of self-confidence to fight the world and to make a name for myself again.
Get regular massages to heal your body and to ease the tension that builds in your body when you think or procrastinate about the past. Massages are good and very vitalising for the body. They lift you up and put you in a positive frame of mind.
6. Have Lots of Sex
You don’t have to get into a serious relationship to get sex. Paid sex is available in plenty in India and around the world. You can release the stress through sex without getting into the mess of any serious or emotional relationship. Just pay for it and do it. You will find it to be a great release from any unnecessary tension or procrastination.
How To Overcome Trauma, Part 1
1. Take Responsibility for What Has Happened
The first step to overcome trauma is to take responsibility for what has already occurred and accept that it was because of you and no one else. You have to take responsibility for what has happened. If something bad has happened to you and you push the responsibility on someone else, it will not help you at all. Then you will be in revenge mode and start blaming others for the misfortune that has befallen you. I realized this when I wrote the poem “Yes Sir, I Killed My Dad” after the murder of my father. There was no point pushing the blame on the murderers as it would not affect them one bit. When I wrote that poem, I felt light and relieved. I took responsibility for what had happened and thus the poem relieved me of some of the burdens. Taking responsibility is not as same as blaming yourself. It is just pure acceptance. Once you have accepted what has happened, it makes it easier to move on in life.
2. Seek Support of the Company of Comforting Friends
I took refuge in the company of old friends who had known me for decades and knew my positive sides. They were the ones who had seen me winning and did not judge me when my bad days had come. I surrounded myself with those friends who did not judge me and by being my mirrors, they told me about the days when I had overcome great odds and won.
3. Delink From The Past
Get rid of all the memories of the past including your clothes, artefacts, belongings and other things that remind you of the past. These things must be done away with. My first step was to give away all the clothes and other artefacts of my father to the poor. I then proceeded to sell the house where the tragedy had taken place as it was a hurdle between me and my past. I also did away with all the servants of the house as they would remind me of my father.
4. Put All Your Efforts into Rebuilding
I chose a totally new path and vocation. I gave up my fledgling acting career and took to travelling and writing a blog. This really gave me a new lease of life and the more I introspected, the more I wrote and the clearer things became. I started finding my bliss again. I visited temples, churches, mosques and gurudwara. I spoke to sages, wise men and fools alike. The world became my playground and I shared my love with people. The blog has gone a long way to comfort me and I hope it can comfort others also when they read my experiences. I chose a totally different road and here I am.
I took my grandmother’s servant boy Bhartu for a Chaar Dham Yatra and to Vaishno Devi and Amaranth at my own expense. These were places he would have never got the opportunity to visit. I donated money to these holy shrines and asked the saints and pujaris to pray for the soul of the departed.
6. If You Are Alone, Adopt Someone
I adopted an orphaned elephant Nadotto in Kenya through the Sheldrick Wild Life Trust. This gave me great joy since after the death my father, I was also orphaned and adopting someone in the same situation as I, gave me immense satisfaction.
7. Be Your Own Therapist
I did not seek the help of psychiatrists or other professional doctors. I just became my own shrink and that helped me more than any professional doctors.
8. Prayer and Compassion
Pray every day to your maker or to your own personal god and ask for his or her blessings. That will give you new insights and new ideas to follow your new path.
9. Only Get Into a Serious Relationship After the Healing Process Is Over
Make no major decision or get into new relationships until the past has been forgotten and totally been buried. This is because you will carry the bruises of the past with you into your new relationships and these will also get poisoned by the trauma of the past. Totally cleanse yourself of the past before you take any new financial decision so that it comes from your present foresight and has nothing to do with your past.
10. Make Your Peace
Make your peace with yourself and your maker by showing compassion to even strangers as they will show the same to you. Give ample love to the love you are sure to get it back.
22 Immutable Laws of Overcoming Defeat in Business or Personal Life
1. Defeat is a Friend not a Foe
Make Defeat the stepping stone of your success, for in your defeat lies the seeds of your success. After the unexpected murder of my father and the subsequent havoc that took place in my life . I tried to get a job but couldn’t because of all the negativity surrounding me , no one gave me a job . For months i tried even jobs that i was over qualified for eluded me . I then looked inwards for my answers because all the answers lie their . I realised the clouds of my defeat carried with in the pure rain droplets with which i could shower the world with my love . Thus the idea of the Travelthon was born with singular mission to give love to the world and gain redemption for what had happened .
2. Identify key People :
I identified key people who unselfishly helped me when i was down and out . I made them as part of my key team who would pull be out of the mess that i was in and would help me move forward.
3. Trust your team :
I then put my trust in these key people and gave them responsibility . My lawyers , my bankers , my friends from university and college and a hand full of relatives who came to my aid out of compassion not for my money.
4. Pay your team well :
After giving responsibility to these key people i also made sure they were paid well and looked after , so that their loyalties to me remain intact . That is important loyalties of your key people is paramount , so that they don’t switch sides or join the enemy ranks.
5. Keep your basic nature intact :
When faced with defeat and adversity you begin to question your very nature . You question yourself , but remember it was your basic nature that made you win battles , so when faced with defeat don’t question it .Rely on it and use it , use your strength’s to win back all you have lost .Their is no room for doubt .
6. Think Laterally :
Think different , stand apart from the crowd , go into unknown territories and use your inner self as your compass and guide. I knew nothing about travelling or blogging in the last ten year i had only ventured out of India twice and now in the last two years i have covered 17 countries . Even for my travelthon I am ideating and developing new ides that have not been used by travellers before . One example is Location scouting that will go on my site soon . I have been in Bollywood and understand how important location scouting is , as i travel the world i will capture unique locations and gain an understanding of them , these can be suggested to Bollywood Projects . Their are many countries where cheaper yet more exciting locations can be found . So Location scouting becomes a revenue source for the business.
7. The Law of Focus :
Put your whole might behind your idea and believe you can win back everything you have lost .
8. Seek positivity :
Seek positive people and positive work environment . My travels give me ample opportunity to seek positive locations where i can sit down and ideate . I seek positive people to chat to and ideate with that refreshes me and gives me new perspective.
9. Close all other Options :
This comes from the law of focus drop all useless activities and ideas and just focus on one current big idea and run with it . Don’t jump into different avenues . Why you lost in the first place was that you tried doing too many things and couldn’t do even one with intensity and focus . During my stint in Bollywood instead of focusing on my acting I did various other things like writing and running a content company . The up shot was i was not able to excel in even one of these task .
10. Show your teeth :
When you are down the world will keep you down , they will try to take even more advantage of you when you are down a wounded tiger cub will be attacked by Hyenas’ and vultures because they can smell weakness and will surround him to nibble at his flesh . The same happened with me . With the murder of my father things where bad but before they got better , they became even worse . I was surrounded with unwanted relatives and friends who wanted a peace of my flesh like vultures they eyed my property and wealth . So much so even my servants started to attack me . The only way out is to show you will not be intimidated and i with the help of a few true well wishers was able to shoo them away .
11. Shed Your Skin :
Embrace the new and shed the old , change every thing around you , old allies are to be dumped , their support did not work for you that is why you are in the quagmire you find your self in . Change your current environment i totally refurbished my house n Delhi to seek positivity .Today i don’t remember the incident that shook my life as i am totally involved in a new project and tackling new challenges .
12. Form an army of losers :
Weather Ram or Shankar they forged allies with losers and outcasts . Ram took an army of monkeys to win back Sita . Shankar took an army of aghodis and goblins to win back Parvati . Outcasts and goblins know what it is like to loose . They hover as outcasts of society so are adept in the art of guerrilla warfare . You need these kind of people to win back what you lost . Many such people have come to my aid and i have forged alliances with them to move forward in my journey .
13. Keep your Mouth Shut :
Talk less do more think hard and work fast .Make winning your only goal and don’t stop till the task is done .
14. Stay away from Emotional Attachments :
Don’t get into serious relationship’s with women until you have achieved your goal . Women are unnecessary distractions , when you are down you use them as emotional crutches , you will find that that will make things even worse for you . Just focus on winning back what you have lost , a whole life is ahead of you to have affairs. If you win you will find many woman to fall in love with , do it when you have won lost territory not before that .
Reminds me of a famous Bellwood song “ yeh zindigi hei ek juaa yanha jeet bhi hei haar bhi , yanha dushmano ki bheedh mein mil jayein ge tujhey yaar bhi , tu khelta ja khelta ja baziyon pe baziyaan .”
15. Seek Honest Advice not Sympathy or Sycophants :
Seek the advice of blunt people who are not afraid to tell you the truth on your face . One of the reason you find yourself in the mess you are in is because you surrounded yourself with sweet talkers and people who just massaged your ego .These people added no value to you or your company they are fleecers and only do “ji hazuri “. I also had surrounded myself with such people that is why i faced defeat in the first place . I have gotten rid of them now and find myself making progress . My single biggest mistake was that i listened to stupid people who took me back in my journey rather adding value to me .
16. Remember if you are rock bottom the only way is up !:
I should know this more then anyone since i have not only been on the edge but gone over it . Having come back from the jaws of death i now find myself back from the abyss. Also remember their are no dead ends every road is linked to every other road .The game is still on all champions will tell you that .
17. Live in the present Intensely :
Past is to be forgotten , live the present with intensity and focus through the windows of the present will you find your future .
18. Seek your Bliss :
Find activities you had loved but had given up because of lack of time or other wise . I took refuge in spirituality by visiting sacred places and reading sacred and holy text . They will come to your aid when you are down and out .
19. Win Win Win with Truth on your side :
The world spits on losers and will urinate on you when you are down . “ Duniya sirf ugte suraj ko salaam karti hei .” The world only salutes winners , so you have to make a come back and show them you can gain lost ground .But be honest with your victory as you where when you where defeated . Be fair , just because you got ripped off by people doesn’t mean you have to rip others off . Be honest and fair , you will comeback harder and stronger .
20. Be Humble :
Now that you have tasted defeat be humble and egoless . Watch your ego and stop being fool hardy it will lead to complacency again and you will go down hill . No unnecessary bravado is needed only pure humbleness is to be displayed .
21. Watch your Money :
Your financial situation is paramount in getting you out of the mess you are in . You will need money to resurrect yourself , so watch your assets and rejig them .Restructure to create liquidity at all time . Money will be needed to buy new resources and to raise a new army . I got help from my Bankers in Citi Bank to restructure my assets . Believe you me i was under attack by the Mumbai Underworld , they not only wanted to take over my flat but also eyed my properties in Delhi . I had to re jig my assets and now am in a comfortable place .
22. Don’t Forget the above laws when you win this time around………………….